Time to move on

All of my friends told me not to do it, but I still did. Like most good advice, I ignored it.

Everyone told me not to contact her again and to move on. I disagreed and thought that maybe there was a chance left to fix our relationship. If there was, I knew I wanted to take that leap of faith. Even after everything that's gone on in the last couple months, I still loved her.

So I contacted her, told her how much I still loved her, apologized for the mistakes I've made, and asked if she wanted to give us another chance. Initially she didn't want to talk; she needed her space. I understood and said I would wait however long she needed. After a couple weeks of waiting, I got the call yesterday.

At this point in time, I can only say what I feel now. I might look back on this months or years later and just simply think what an idiot I was. To make this short, we talked and I told her that I knew things could work out with us. I knew that I loved her and that in the end, nothing else would matter as long as she loved me too.

But she didn't. She said doesn't love me. She then told me how she didn't love me even a month before I broke up (the same time I said I would stop paying rent for the both of us, etc.) She said she was just too afraid to tell me.

Before the call, I thought I was ready for it and had all my scenarios planned out. If she doesn't love me still, that's fine. She's moved on already and just gets over relationships quicker than I do. If she does still love me, we could try making it work. I thought I had it all planned out. I really didn't expect her to say that she stopped loving me even when we were still together.

A lot of things were running through my mind. I couldn't believe that she had me 'figure it out for myself' that she wasn't in love with me or that there was a problem even. Instead of communicating anything to me, she knew that I would someday finally get mad enough at her passive aggressiveness and be the one to 'break up'. I wondered, how long would she have lived rent free before she told me anything?

Despite everything that was in my thoughts, I only said two things. I asked if there was anything that I could possibly do to make our relationship work. She said no. I then said that I loved her still and wished her the best in life, even though she's not with me. Now I can finally move on.

Almost there...

I have enough to pay off all of my student loans right now! That means I won't have any credit card or student loan debt anymore. The weird thing is that I don't get paid that much; I think the main reason I'm able to save is because the feeling of having money still seems foreign to me. When I look at my bank account, I'm still trying to get used to the numbers being in the three digits and now its five! Maybe I'm just slow...

The problem with paying off student loans is that I'll be broke after and I won't have any traveling money. What to do?

For now

Everything is only for now. Pain and happiness is only for now. Listening to Avenue Q; I love this Broadway.